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People Who Use Rolley Cases- Hey, were you at the luggage store and hoping to buy something even stupider looking than a fanny pack? Do you fuckin' realize that when you're sauntering around with those dumb-ass things, you're also taking up 2-3 walking spaces behind you? When exactly did it become acceptable to cart your crap around town like you're some 50's movie starlet running to the airport with her poodle in one arm and the handle of her mobile hat box in the other? Just carry your bag on a shoulder strap ya fucking inconsiderate high-society pussies! |
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Big-Ass Sunglasses-Anyone who buys these should also be forced to wear a sandwich board that comes with it that says “Not only am I a stupid fucking moron who blindly follows stupid fashion trends, but I'm currently following one that's a soulless resurrection of a stupid fuckin' look from the 70's, thus announcing to all that I'm an unoriginal prick who's net worth of creativity is absolutely zero.” I know that's a lot of text for a sandwich board, but those things are really in this year, thanks to a resurgence in 1930's Depression-era fashions. |
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Bill Bellamy-We just can't describe this one. You might as well ask a Bull why he hates the color Red. It can't be explained*. Its something you either feel or you don't, but here's some promotional copy for the Bill Bellamy Platinum Comedy Series DVD, so give it a read and let us know what your reaction is: "You may already know that comedian Bill Bellamy (who got his start at the MTV Beach House) is a seriously funny guy. But did you also know that he coined the phrase "booty call"? Capturing his musings on dating, politics and the overall state of pop culture, this raucous stand-up performance is guaranteed to make you an instant fan -- that is, if you're not one already " (* And no, I'm not a racist, I don't hate him because he's black. If anything, saying I hate a black man only proves I'm not a racist. Think about it.) |
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Current TV- Gee, who woulda guessed that Al Gore would start a TV Network that was mind numbingly boring? I mean I suppose ya'll should be commended for trying to edumacate the young'ns and make social awareness hip and all, but you rerun your “pods” more frequently than MTV beat “Hey Ya” to death. And your stable of monosyllabic J. Crew catalog models you've got as hosts just goes to show that your idea of cultural diversity means hiring vapid morons of differing ethnicities. Ya'll should change the motto of your channel from “Current TV Is You.” to “Current TV Is You, If You Are Young, Good-Looking And You Dress Like A Spoiled Trust Fund Kid.” |
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Collegehumor.com-So let's get this straight. Basically your website is a collection of lame-ass “humor” articles combined with a gallery of "wacky" pictures and videos that you didn't even create, but have the nerve to brand as your own by stamping your stupid fuckin' logo on the lower left corner of? And your biggest claim to fame is popularizing “the Shocker” , an idea/gesture you had absolutely no part in inventing (because they would actually take some creativity), but for which you had the cut-throat foresight to file a patent for so ya could sell giant foam hand versions of it to every dumb ass frat boy across the country who wants something unique and outrageous for his room (albeit something unique and outrageous everyone else he knows has too). You are the website equivalent of Jimmy Fallon: a shamelessly mediocre untalented hack that's obviously in it more for the money than the funny. |
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Spammers Who Send Back-Dated E-Mails-OK we get that you need to earn your living selling dick growing creams and/or tricking morons into giving you their bank/credit card info but do ya think when you're sending out your mass communiqués, you could at least make sure the time stamp on your server isn't back-dated a few days/weeks so people don't have to go searching through their old e-mails to delete it? I mean its almost as if you don't consider the danger of alienating potential customers to be high on your list of concerns. |
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Tara Reid-Question-Name a rum soaked jizz bag who's only benefit to society would come from harvesting all their vital organs and giving them to humans who actually deserve to live because they aren't sad, pathetic has-beens who couldn't convincingly act like they had diarrhea even if they were fed salmonella and intestinal parasite brownies? Answer: Tara Reid. |
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My Super Sweet 16-If you've never seen MTV's behind the scenes look at rich teens planning their Sweet 16 parties, then catch it sometime and witness a few reasons why a communist revolution in this country is bound to happen in our lifetime. A $100,000 Mercedes given to some stupid bitch who couldn't even pass the written part of her DMV test? Check! A pubescent ogress who looks like the offspring of Lizzie Grubman and the banjo kid from Deliverance, yet says she doesn't want any “ugly people” at her soirée? Score! A party for the aforementioned soulless sack of shit, the price-tag of which is more than the annual income of you and everyone you know? Pa-pow! It's just the latest in a long line of “wealth porn” programming (the glamorization of rewarding spoiled rich monsters for no other reason than because they're spoiled rich monsters) and as far as we're concerned every motherfucker from this show should have to appear on a follow-up MTV show called “My Super Sweet Snuff Film”. |
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People Taking Improv Classes-When exactly did "I'm taking improv classes." replace "I'm seeing a psychiatrist." as the go-to phrase for self-absorbed urban dipshits? Corporate tools, wanna-be Soap Opera stars, your ex-girlfriend? They're all taking improv classes to help them “come out of their shell” and “improve their listening skills”. Good for you, but I don't recall anybody ever asking me if I wanted to pay ten dollars to watch one of their therapy sessions. And no, I don't want to go see your Level 2 Class's Harold Night. Hey, I just took a Karate Class. Wanna see me get my ass kicked by Jackie Chan? Because that's exactly how painful it'll be to watch you. Now don't get us wrong, we think improv is great, but like people who can suck their own dick, there are only a few dozen people in the world who can actually pull it off and are worth paying to watch to do it in a theater setting. |
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Reality Show “Stars” Who Want To Act-Watching you try to act is sadder than watching two people with mutilated genitals trying to have sex. You might have the desire, but you don't have the damn equipment. Do you know how many real actors there are out there who've actually studied the craft and are trying to land roles while still working crummy day-jobs AND performing nightly in interminable one-act plays they can barely sucker their friends into seeing?! Just being a two-faced, pathological liar who lives in a delusional fantasy world doesn't automatically make you a thespian ya fuggin' douche-bags. You actually have to have some character in order to portray one. |
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Milk-Yeah, that's right, Milk. Isn't it about time somebody called bullshit on this nasty beverage? It tastes like cold liquid snot, it's making America the fattest nation in the world, it's more expensive than gasoline and it goes bad in two nano-seconds. Why I've flushed more thick, sludgy curdled milk down my toilet than I have my own shit (actually, I have been rather constipated lately. Maybe I should drink some warm milk?) And have you ever noticed that all lactating mammals, be they human or animal, stop nursing their babies before they turn two? Why is that you may ask? Because nature dictates that if you're older than two you should not be drinking milk! Like Trix, overalls, and Michael Jackson sleepovers, milk is strictly for kids. |
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Ronan Tynan-You know that half-soused Irish tenor who looks like Sloth from The Goonies and ruins every Yankee game and 9/11 ceremony with his boozy renditions of "Danny Boy" and The Star Spangled Banner? (side note: you're not American dude, so why the fuck are you always singing America's national anthem? Do I go to Ireland and whistle the Irish Spring jingle or whatever you drunk leprechauns do before soccer matches? No. No I do not.) Ok, so you know Ronan Tynan has no legs below the knees, right? But did you also know he's an insufferable inspirational speaker for corporate meetings where he brags about rising above this to become an "internationally recognized singing sensation" who's won “18 gold medals in the Olympics"? Really? Without legs!? Hey, wow that's amazing, but before we all start sucking each other's dicks here, let's look at the facts. First off, warbling "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" to a bunch of drunk Yankee fans ain't exactly singing Rigoletto at The Met. Still, it's pretty amazing that he can sing, right? You know, without any legs and all. Next you'll be telling me that blind people can play the piano or deaf people can do their own taxes. What a world we live in! And also it turns out that he won 18 Gold medals in the PARA-Olympics (kinda tough, but he wasn't competing against Carl Lewis or anything). But when you read even further you find out he won all his medals in the equestrian event! The Equestrian Event at the PARA-Olympics?! Now unless the horse he was riding was also missing its legs, I am less than impressed Ronan. |
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Dane Cook-This guy is the fucking Creed of stand-up
comedy and it’s positively spooky when you think about the similarities.
Both are embarrassingly bland, criminally derivative and inexplicably
popular to thousands of complete morons across the country. Can anyone
out there tell me how this guy’s funny or recite a joke or routine
of his that’ll actually make me laugh? And don’t gimme
that bullshit that it’s the way that he tells it that’s
funny. Watching some pumped up asshole jacked up on ‘roid rage
and Red Bull YELLING HIS STORIES like he’s the “craziest”
guy at a frat party does not equal funny. I saw one of his Comedy Central
specials awhile back and can honestly say that the most hilarious part
of his whole act was the fact he was wearing a |
